Men vs. Women and Child Injuries
Seeing Red
A child with an injury is never fun!
Anger and love are both associated with the color red. Red helps define The Coca-Cola Company and the American Red Cross. People have wrote songs about it, such as, “Lady in Red” by Chris de Burgh or ”Little Red Corvette” by Prince. It is one of my son’s favorite colors and it is the color a parent never wants to see in large quantities, it is the color of blood.
The old saying goes, “kids will be kids” but when it comes to a child’s safety a parent “feels” they always knows best (if we could just get our children to believe that). Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, a parent can’t watch a child every second.
Typical Week
During a “typical” week, Xander and I spend a lot of time at his cousin’s house, Olivia (my niece). They have grown up together and are best friends. Xander and I will get their early in the day so he can play. My wife, Melissa, will meet us in the evening and both families will then have dinner together.
We were having one of those typical days just last week. The only thing out of the norm was me telling Xan several times to stop “trying” to stand up in a chair. Being a three-year-old, he would listen to me, sit back down and say, “Oh, yeah….I remember now!“
Not So Typical Week
As the day was ending, I decided to drive home a little early to let our dogs go outside (it’s easier uninterrupted). My wife would stay a little longer allowing our son to play a little more. After I arrived home, I was in the middle of taking care of the dogs when I received a text message from my wife. It was the type text a parent doesn’t want to see…..
“Xander fell and busted his head.“
I read the message and knew that my wife was with him and if she needed me she would call or text again. I knew that our son was in good hands and everything was okay. My wife was still in crisis mode when they both arrived home a little while later. I saw blood on his shirt and in his hair.
Melissa told me that Xan had stood up in the chair again but this time lost his balance causing him to fall and hit his head. As most people know, head injuries are the worst and bleeding is inevitable (and he did bleed). She told me that he didn’t cry that much and tended to “shake it off” as inconsequential (the fall did frighten Melissa).
Xander sat down on the couch and told me he had hurt his head. I calmly asked him what happened and he told me he had stood in the chair again but this time fell down (and there was blood). He wasn’t acting strange or out of the norm. The fall just didn’t bother him that much. I could tell that Melissa was visibly shaken by the incident. I quietly told her to stop worrying and that Xander was fine.
Child Crisis Resolved
A Child is Resilient (Photo credit: dad blunders)
My wife and I only have one child. He is the only child we will ever have and when he has an injury we both react differently. I have never told our son it’s not okay to cry or that an injury doesn’t hurt. I do however take a minute to assess the situation. If I see that he isn’t going to get emotional over a fall or a cut, neither do I. My wife tends to rush in and to immediately check on our son and make sure he is okay.
Amazingly, our son’s reaction can change depending on which parent is present when an injury occurs (it also depends upon his mood and type of injury). If Xander takes a small fall while I am present he often gets back up, dusts himself off and laughs. If my wife is present he “can” immediately cry and want comforting. Our son’s reaction tends to prove that he knows that my wife will rush in while I hesitate for just a second longer.
As a father, my reaction doesn’t mean that I don’t care when my son gets hurt. On the contrary, I care greatly and even can physically feel his pain when I see he has an injury. However, I believe a child needs to also learn that there are times in life that we are going to fall and the best resolution is to get back up and try again (not to give up). I think Xander’s reaction to this particular fall helped prove his resolve (even though I told Xander multiple times not to stand in the chair)
Mom and Dads are Different
Men and women react differently to crisis with our children. As a general rule, if a crisis involves a child, women use emotions while men lean towards rationality. Each crisis mode has its advantages and disadvantages.
A mom’s reaction is to protect and nurture. Mom’s are capable of evaluating the situation and taking care of it quickly but they can stay in a highly emotional state long after the crisis is over (a state that any child can sense). A dad’s reaction is to quickly assess the situation and look towards logical conclusions. If a male feels the situation doesn’t call for dramatization they tend to downplay an injury. I am not saying that men or women do not take care for their children, we just tend to act differently.
Children are capable of taking a highly emotional situation and calmly responding to it. How do you respond when your child has an injury? How does your spouse respond when your child has an injury? Does your child act differently for both of you? Do you think there is advantage or disadvantages to the way men and women handle a child that is hurt? Tell me in the comments!
You can read my last post here: A Child’s Career Opportunity If you like this post you can follow me on my facebook fan page, Dadblunders.
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Tags: child injuries, moms and dads, parenting styles
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I’m glad Xander is OK. Yes children do react differently with each parent because as you’ve shown each parent reacts differently to a crisis.
Since my wife tends to hit panic mode at the sight of an accident I was always used to being the one who reacted calmly at the time, even if I went to pieces slightly afterwards. I found that if an adult panics, even though they shower the child with love and hugs, the child starts to panic too and that leads to tears because they don’t understand and get scared. Even in a / especially in a life or death situation, the less panic the better. Assess and deal with the situation and there’s plenty of time for hugs later when things are getting better.
David,
I know that both sexes are totally capable of reacting emotionally charged or emotionally rational. I just tend to believe that women (generally…not always) use the maternal bond they have very quickly. They rush in and want to make fix it (consequently a child can feel the emotions).
I know that every parent is different but in my own experience this what I have always been shown (in my own life, as a social worker and as a parent). There is nothing wrong with either response and both actually have benefits. As I noted, I don’t want anyone to ever believe that I don’t feel my son’s pain (it greatly hurts me…probably more than it does him).
Aaron
Aaron, I am so glad Xander is okay. You must know that I am a huge fan of your writing and you in general. Spending time reading your posts is like spending time with your family and I have gained new insights into family dynamics and kindness and love you share with your son, wife and extended family is wonderful. Thank you
Mary,
You are always welcome into our “inner” sanctum. Overall, I would say we are pretty ordinary folks that just try to get by and make the best out of life (and in the process if i can help out a families or share a few laughs all the better).
Aaron
My son wrestled throughout high school, and made me SWEAR I wouldn’t embarrass him by running out onto the mat if he became injured. He didn’t ask my hubz to make that promise. He didn’t have to; my hubz would assess from afar and wait till the moment was right. As you indicated, mamas want to protect their babies.
Having said that, the opposite side is that once we’re both with the injured child, if the situation is dire, my hubz absolutely freezes up. I know what needs to be done, just like you said, but that frantic movement does indeed keep me more high strung after the bloods all gone.
I guess ultimately the difference is that men know better about WHEN to swoop in, and women know better what to DO after the swoop has occurred. This keeps things in balance. Finding the right partner ensures a child is privy to both reactions so as to fully develop his/her own bag of emotions.
One more thing — I think it also has a lot to do with the snuggle factor. My 8yo daughter cries much more often for me than for my hubz, and much LONGER for me than for my hubz. I enjoy holding her in my arms, and I think she enjoys the protection my embrace offers. Dunno if this is good or bad. All I know is that I absolutely LOVE snuggling my baby girl and will hold her as long as she’ll let me. My “baby boy” (age 19) still let me give him a cuddly-hug now and again, but I miss his snuggles, that’s for sure!!!
Andi,
I hadn’t really considered the snuggle factor but I will bet their is some scientific research to back that up! We already know that babies thrive more when they are held so it just makes sense the snuggle factor is in play for a long time.
i also have a tendency to call my son on his “crap” at times. I can always tell when he is manipulating a situation (he is going to be one heck of a great teenager). He does this far more with my wife and his cousin, Olivia (they are the same age) then he ever does with me.
He will cuddle with me, box with me and for the majority time listen to me. I always wonder if he listens to me more than my wife because I call him quicker on his crap than my wife does when is manipulating a situation. I am sure part of that is the maternal instinct though (and if you are a man you better learn their is no other bond stronger than that).
Aaron
Good to know your son is doing good.
It’s funny, because I am the one who would tend to just brush it off. Depending on what happened, I like to keep as calm as possible and show my boys, much like you that these things happen, and to move on. BUT if it’s very serious, (which we haven’t REALLY had yet) I don’t know how I would react. My husband tends to over check the boys if they just bump their hand or whatever, but in the midst of something bloody or serious he can keep his calm and I’ll freak. haha it’s an interesting balance.
I do see that my kids will either cry more or less depending on how the reaction is.
Sarah,
Kids are pretty smart (and lots of parents don’t give them the credit the deserve). It’s very easy for them to get wrapped up in the moment based on everyone else’s reaction. If they see calm they can remain calm…they are just trying to learn their way in the world and the best way is by example.
It sounds like you and your husband have the perfect amount of balance to compliment each other. Parenting is all about finding the right balance of emotions.
Aaron
Kds bounce back. The face was precious like, “Will this ever stop hurting?” Men and women percieve differently. Each person is different. Mom’s tend to cuddle a lot more with a boo-boo in the Amrican culture.
Malika,
As a former social worker, I couldn’t agree more! Children are resilient beyond belief! I have seen some true horrors that kids have endured and was always amazed about quickly they “moved on.” They were able to take a situation and compartmentalize it in a way that most adults can’t do.
Just like you noted everyone is different and their is no right or wrong answer about the best way to take of an injury. It’s all about taking care of our kids and giving them the best, safest environment possible.
Aaron