Is It Fair A Child Has No Siblings?
Only Child Blues
Being an only child doesn’t mean you are always happy!
My wife and I only have one child. It wasn’t a decision we made easily because our son is our miracle baby. It took us years to have him. We wanted more than one child but life and fertility issues have not allowed us that opportunity (see Our Story – National Infertility Week). I believe that being an only child is a blessing and a curse. I know that only children are generally more independent, adaptable and have an academic edge. I also know that as you get older you begin to wonder about lack of family bonds.
Are we being fair to our children if they have no siblings?
I have placed a lot of thought into this question over the last week. Over the Thanksgiving holiday, my three-year-old son wanted to know where my siblings were. I told him that I am an only child and I don’t have any brothers or sisters. My answer made my son frown at me, tell me he was sorry and walk away.
Stereotypes Prevail
As I was growing up it was very rare seeing less than two children with a parent. In fact, as late as 1980 only 10% of U.S families had just one child. Being an only child I remember the stereotypes I faced from others. People would hear that I had no siblings and it was “assumed” that I was selfish, bratty and spoiled.
The stereotypes of being an only child persist today because of Granville Stanley Hall an American psychologist and educator. He supervised the study Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children in 1896 where he concluded, ”Being an only child is a disease in itself.” Many people still believe that having only one child is harmful to childhood development.
Only Children Benefits
1. Academic success - Parents are able to spend more time and resources on one child than on multiple children. If a parent only has one child they want them to succeed and tend to give greater focus on helping their child meet their goals.
2. Self-sufficient - An only child doesn’t have siblings to problem solve or learn from. Only children are sometimes expected to play alone which encourages independence. The independence they learn is a life skill they can use throughout adulthood for solving problems they come up against.
3. Maturity – Only children tend to become more mature and have a greater sense of responsibility than children with siblings. A parent that has one child doesn’t have to worry about what other children are doing in their family. A parent can concentrate all of their effort on making sure their one child knows the difference between right and wrong. As a general rule, an only child gets in less trouble because someone is always watching them.
4. Parental Relationship – Parents help built a strong relationship with their child because they are easily accessible. A parent is more likely to take part in school functions, holidays and special events. Most children that don’t have siblings have good communication and a strong relationship with their parents throughout their life.
Decisions
I can’t tell you if it is better to have one child or multiple children. I can tell you when a person decides to have a child it is a life altering event for most adults. Most people quickly discover it is harder being responsible for another human being than it is for themselves. Parents must have an understanding of long-term goals, learning time management skills, and daily financial planning.
In today’s economic environment parents have to decide if they can afford more than one child. According to the U.S Department of Agriculture, parents will spend a minimum of $212,000 raising a child that was born in 2011 until their eighteenth birthday (not including college expenses). Economically some parents are more comfortable with just one child.
Family Support
Playtime is important!
Deciding to have more than one child is a difficult decision. How do you feel about having more than one child? Do you think that only children are missing out on things in life? Are only children spoiled and over indulged? Tell me in the comments!
You can read my last post here: Is Spanking Child Abuse? If you like this post you can follow me on my facebook fan page, Dadblunders.
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Tags: childhood development, fertility issues, stereotypes
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Sometimes it is, what it is, Aaron. The fertility issue being hit or miss, I can understand wishing for a serendipitous or more favorable outcome. 2 children, or more. I have a friend who miscarried 7 times before she finally had a healthy baby girl, who like myself, is an only child. Xan is so very fortunate that he has you and Melissa as his parents and he has his little cousin(s) to play with and will socialize easily, I am sure of that.
Mary,
I know you said mouthful, “Sometimes it is, what it is, Aaron.” I know life isn’t always fair to us and our children. Truthfully, no one ever promised any of us life would be fair all the time. I think it’s more about hanging onto the memories of life when it is fair and the happiness it brings all of us.
Aaron
This blog post hits close to home for me. I am planning on writing a blog post on this topic some time soon! I am the Dad of an only child. We made the decision to have only one kiddo, not because of fertility issues, but because my wife had such a difficult pregnancy (including 4 months of full bed rest). I think there are certainly issues to be aware of having an only child, but they aren’t insurmountable. As a teacher, I have found that only children learn to share and wait their turn, just like every other kid. I can also tell you that there are plenty of spoiled children who have siblings. Spoiled brats are the result of poor parenting rather than the number of siblings a kiddo has. I think the main reason people frown upon couples having only one kid is that it is different from what they themselves have chosen to do. We all feel validated when people do things the way we do them and I think this is no exception.
Justin K.
Writing Pad Dad
http://WritingPadDad.blospot.com
Justin,
I agree that one of the main reasons having one child is frowned upon is because it is different from what they know. In my opinion, having one child or multiple children is challenging. We just face a few different challenges with our children.
Aaron
Great post!
The Great Post patrol is looking for you! I hear they are now offering a reward for your capture!!!
Aaron
As an only child and the mother of an only child, I don’t think it’s fair to question whether or not it’s fair to have an only child. We all do the best we can in life. Yes, my childhood was lonely, but we were very poor and I don’t know what we would have done if there was another mouth to feed. I wanted more than one child because I wanted Henry to have a sibling, but it wasn’t to be. I wish I had a sibling because I will never have nieces or nephews, I will never be someone’s Aunt Kim.
Kim,
I realize every situation people have is different and some people just can’t have more than one child (we are in that situation). I have been thinking about myself and being an only child a lot the last few weeks. have worried though about the future and what will happen to my parents as they age. It leads me to think about the same for my son. The idea of the future and my son asking me about my siblings is what gave me the idea for the post.
Aaron
Great post as always! Loved it! At this point I’m hoping we’ll be able to just have ONE….
Thanks so much!
I understand the feeling of having just one child. It took us 9 years to have our child. It was very difficult and hard but in the long run the benefits far outweigh all of the stress we had.
Aaron
Wow, I don’t think you can say – Are we being fair to our children if they have no siblings? Some people had no choice or they had to make that choice.
My son is an only child, not through choice as such but his dad and me divorced. I have always worked so he didn’t really have the extra attention at first that you describe. However I would say most of the benefits you list ring true. He would be happy to play on his own and found it very hard to mix with other children for a long time. Even though he was always around plenty of children, daycare and such like, and each year – all summer long camping with all of our friends and their children. Still, now he’s at university and loving being in a big group with lots of people going out all over town. Yes, at times its was difficult not to spoil him, but he didn’t turn out a spoiled brat, as he got older he knew that certain things were a privilege and he was always grateful. He has been and the best and most responsible teenager I have ever met, (fingers crossed that it will continue for the 2 years left of that stage!
and i think he would have been the same if he had a brother or sister.
The only downside that I see, is that right now, I have my brother to help with difficult decisions with our parents, and my son won’t have that support.
- and you won’t believe I took about 50 words out of that reply LOL
Michelle,
I loved your response (even with the 50 missing words). I realize that many people don’t have a choice about how many children they have (we are in that situation). I know as I have gotten older I look back and wonder what “might” have been.
I know there are benefits to having one child as much as there are for multiple. It has a lot to do with the parents involvement whether or not a child is spoiled. Good parenting truly makes all the difference!
I don’t know that “fairness” would be a proper term to use for the one child family. And you’ve perhaps overgeneralized the benefits (just as stereotypes are overgeneralized). I came from a family of 5 kids and I think it was a wonderful way to grow up. Now, though we have some conflict, it’s good to know I have that family to turn to and it’s fun getting together with my siblings and their families. I have 4 children and one step-daughter and that’s been fun for me and they are all very close. I think my step-daughter is very pleased to have come into my larger family and now have siblings.
Bottom line though, I think, is the parents. Doting parents can turn out wretched brats, but good caring parents can turn out some very fine offspring. A lot of variables to be considered here.
I choose the word fair because one of the definitions is “sufficient but not ample.”
I don’t believe I overgeneralized the benefits considering all of the one’s I listed have been researched and validated. My intent was to only “briefly” touch upon the highlights of having an only child.
As a social worker, I know that the most important thing any children needs is good parents. Any child can turn our spoiled if a parent doesn’t prevent it. Parenting is a 24/7 job but the benefits for our children are worth it!
Aaron
I posted a long comment after my usual “Great post!” one. Not sure what happened to it, BUT, it was still in my scratch paper file, so here you go:
I had an only child for ten years. Now we have a house full.
I grew up one of five.
I don’t think the number of children is as important as the
quality of the parenting.
Having done both, I can say there are benefits to both sides. When I had only one child I was totally available to him at all times. We did everything parenting-wise perfectly because we had only one to focus on. He had excellent manners and attitude. He even received tremendous focus from extended family as the only male grandchild.
But there is pressure there, too. When I had only one, every choice was the only time we got to make it. I worried that he would feel weight on his shoulders as he grew up from the fact that his life choices would be the only ones we would experience.
He used to tell me that he wanted 4 brothers and 2 sisters.
Nonetheless, we decided to go the only child route.
But, sometimes God laughs at our plans.
A brother, then 3 sisters arrived.
Our youngest daughter told us she wanted a baby brother. We
were done. We laughed.
She has 2 little brothers now.
Now when one of our kids asks for a sibling we don’t laugh.
Do my kids benefit from having siblings? Absolutely. Are there lessons they have learned because of that? Definitely. Do they have less material things and less of my attention because there are more of them? Without a doubt. Is sibling love amazing to watch? Totally!
Do I believe my oldest child is better off because he did notstay an only? Yes, without a doubt.
BUT, here’s the thing:
None of that matters. None of it applies to you or your family.
Deciding how many children to have is a personal choice. There is no overall right or wrong answer.
You need to chose to have a family size that you believe that you can handle responsibly and parent well and be happy with. Period.
No one else’s opinion matters. No one else’s experience matters. Studies and statistics don’t matter.
You don’t expand your family to improve your first child. You expand your family because you want to raise another child.
You can have any size family you want. if biology has failed you, there are many other ways to make a family. Parenting is not about how you get your
children. It’s about what you do with them once they arrive.
The only limitation is what you and your wife decide is best for your family. There is no magic number. Ignore those who say more is better. Ignore those who say 1 is better. Figure out what you and your wife want for your family and go with that.
The heck with everyone else’s opinion.
Loved your reply Gina, and you are totally spot on actually !
Thank you, Michelle!
Gina,
I need to check and see if the reply got filtered out but it shouldn’t have from you. I had the problem with you before so I set it up to publish yours and told the system you were NOT spam (or maybe the great post patrol finally caught up with you)!
I couldn’t agree with you more in your reply that it is the quality of parenting that matters the most. I have worked with parents that only have one child and parents that have multiple and not caring about your children always has the same outcome (not good).
We looked at many alternatives before our son was born and we are very fortunate to have one child. The expense, the emotional toll and the waiting are all factors in us not really looking to have another child.
One of the main reason I wrote this post was because of the comment my son made to me about how he was “sorry” that I didn’t have any siblings. It made me think about being an only child and about getting older. The older I get the less family I have (excluding my wife and son). I wondered how it would feel/be as I grow even older.
Aaron
I was an only child. And Adopted as a newborn. My parents were 50 yrs older than me. They didn’t do ANYTHING with me. No PTA meetings, no school activities, and my mom chose my friends. Lacked A LOT in social skills, (still shy), but became very independent. I swore when I grew up I would have more than one child so they didn’t have to experience childhood alone. I have four! (ages 11-19). Wasn’t prepared for the sibling rivalry, but they can be the best of friends to each other too. I was the only one to care for my parents as they aged (both are deceased). It was hard. The good news is that I found and met my 1/2 brother 2 years ago. Love him tons and tons.. trying to make up for the last and LOST 46 years! I’ve always wanted siblings!
Karen,
Don’t you love when you don’t see a comment on a post or receive notification that there is one on an article??
Sorry it took me so long to reply to your comment, but I just noticed it today when I was looking at some of the articles I wrote over the last several months.
One of my major concerns for my son is his lack of siblings. Being an only child I understand the difficulty that he will face in the future. I know there are benefits to being an only child, but I am more concerned about his lack of family.
We wanted more than one child, but life didn’t allow us that opportunity. Someday, I hope he will understand that we wanted a larger family for him and us. My wife and I try to stay involved and keep him busy as best as possible. We take him to visit with his cousins every week to give him a taste of what it is like to have siblings (one of his cousins is the same age as him).
Aaron Brinker aka DadBlunders
Aaron Brinker recently posted…5 Things To Know If You Can’t Conceive A Child Easily