Life Reversed – Male Perspective

Last week on an exciting episode of Blogger Idol – Week One Play At Home They asked us to write about family traditions (see Family Traditions – Addams Style). I took on the challenge full of self-confidence, pride and idealism. What I didn’t realize was my ego would soon quickly be deflated by the same competition. Week two has brought a new challenge: I get to write about a day in the life of myself. At first glance it’s a topic anyone would enjoy (anyone that’s not playing Blogger Idol)! I have to write a day in the life of myself as a woman.

Yawn, stretch and yawn again. I reach and hit the button on the alarm clock without opening my eyes. I think about  how early morning seems to come everyday. I slowly try to open my eyes and scream because my eyes won’t open. I then recall I forgot to take off my mascara last night. My eyes feel like they are welded closed because of my stupidity. I can already tell that this day is not looking promising.

After I manage to get my eyes open I note that my “other half” isn’t in our bed. Walking into the bathroom I smile, the smell of breakfast  in the background makes me think he is working on a meal for us. Sitting on the potty quickly turns into my second scream of the morning because someone sprayed all over the seat, AGAIN!

He runs into the bathroom and yells, “What’s wrong?”

I frown, “What’s wrong? It’s not rocket science you know! It’s a toilet with a hole big enough to park a small car and you still can’t seem to figure out you pee in it and not on it!”

He gives the sheepish boy look and says nothing, which is probably better for his health.

I finally manage a smile, “Well, I will forgive you because you are making us breakfast!”

He has that stupid look again. The one that tells me he’s made a serious error in judgement, “Well…I….You…I….I am sorry honey! I only made breakfast for me this morning.”

As I am giving him my famous look that says, “not tonight or probably this week” I can tell life is not going to get any better today.

Life in the Afternoon

Lunch time is getting closer and I can hear my stomach making a loud noise. My stomach seems determined that I won’t lose 10 more pounds in the next 2 days. Some of my old college girlfriends have asked me out to reminisce.  My plan is to fit into the same size or smaller that I wore the last time any of them saw me. Not losing the weight would mean they will be making comments behind my back, “Did you see how much weight she has gained?” or “Oh my god, marriage and children hasn’t treated her well!”

My stomach continues to grumble as my boss walks over and starts speaking to me. In his typical fashion, his eyes never look at my eyes, instead he stare at my breasts. I rearrange my body and move my arms towards the front of me to break the hypnotic spell my boobs hold over men. I will never understand their fascination with them. I would like to see a man carry them around for a day. I smile at my stupid thought of men having boobs.  Men wouldn’t ever get anything done if they had boobs because they wouldn’t stop touching themselves. As my boss turns to leave, his eyes wander up and down my body one time which makes me shutter with disgust.

I get up and head to the bathroom and think about the lack of peace in my life. As I sit down on the toilet I scream for the third time today. One of the other girls from our office runs over, “What’s wrong?”

I have a look of horror and answer, “What’s wrong? It’s not rocket science you know! It’s a toilet with a hole big enough to park a small car. Women should know better! They should know how to pee in the toilet and not on it in a women’s restroom!”

Upon arriving home all I want is to put my feet up. No such luck! The first words I hear are, “What’s for dinner?” I smile and think to myself several varying thoughts. Doesn’t anyone care that I tire? Doesn’t anyone care that I have worked all day? Doesn’t anyone know where the kitchen is besides myself?

“I will work on dinner in a few minutes.”

“Awww….come on mom. Were hungry now!” they all say in unison like a pack of hungry wolves baying at the moon.

Home for less than 5 minutes and they have beaten me into submission to make dinner. I don’t have the energy to fight them today. I ask my “other half” to get a couple of things out of the refrigerator for me. I watch as he opens the refrigerator door, sticks his head in for two seconds and yells back, “I don’t see it!”

I give another fake smile and ask him to move out-of-the-way. He moves and I reach in the refrigerator and grab the items I was looking for without really looking. “I found them. See they were in there.”

“Wow! You’re good! I didn’t see them.” he tells me with the dumb look on his face.

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t honey.  We need to practice on the potty first before we move to more complicated items like the refrigerator anyway.” I state happily.

After dinner is over I still don’t find an opportunity to rest. All of my hungry wolves left me with the clean-up detail. I look at the kitchen and decide it can wait. I will go find my moment of rest in the bathtub. As I begin to fill the tub up with water I undress. I sit down on the toilet and let out my fourth scream of the day……sigh.

Thanks to Blogger Idol I can say life doesn’t always go by your plans. Personally, I think both sexes have varying complaints about the opposite sex. Being able to discuss them openly helps remove some of the issues. How do you think your day would go if you were the opposite sex for a day? Do you think it would go smoothly or filled with lots of issues you might not have considered? Tell me in the comments!

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Tags: alarm clock, error in judgement, family traditions, first glance, mascara, pride, rocket science, small car, stupidity, toilet