Negative Emotions and Parenting
The last few days I have had difficulty focusing on writing. It’s not that I can’t find things to write about. It’s because I have a had series of bad days. I believe that life dictates, when and if, we are going to have good days and bad days. As a father, I have a choice to make when life’s emotions swing from the left to the right so quickly. I can become negative myself or I can use what I am learning and try to turn it into good.
Dealing with negative emotions is hard!
Negative Emotions
Children have no control over a parents well-being. I have heard many parents (including myself) make idiotic statements without thinking to their children.
“You are making today very difficult by not listening to me!”
“I am so tired of you acting up!”
“I am becoming angry because of your attitude!”
The statements may seem randomly harmless but they are full of negative emotions. Each one of the statements gives a child more control over a situation. According to definition, negative emotions are any emotion that leaves a person feeling sad, frustrated or having a loss of control (selfgrowth.com) . Negative emotions undermine the effectiveness of decision-making and leaves a person with a feeling of doubt. If a parent is going to gain back control of a situation they need to check how they are feeling and try to change their thoughts to a positive.
You are making today very difficult by not listening to me
When we tell our children they are making things difficult for us, we are actually saying we don’t know how to gain back control. It is possible that a child might make a day harder for an adult but it isn’t the child who is making the day more difficult. As adults we have to remember that we own our emotions as much as a child owns theirs.
I am so tired of you acting up
I get tired like any parents. At times, my son can become challenging and I do get tired of saying the same things over and over. Children are learning their way in the world still and trying to learn the difference between right and wrong. Full emotional control won’t happen until they are grown. If I say, “I am so tired of ….” I am leading my son to belief that he is the cause of my tiredness. Ultimately, my son can’t cause me to become tired. It is a statement said in frustration.
I am becoming angry because of your attitude!
In my opinion, anger is the worst of the negative emotions. As a parent, I know it is very easy to say we are angry. Children can make parents angry easily. If I tell my son I am angry I am giving him a feeling of “fear or dread.” Parenting isn’t about making our children fearful of us. Being a parent is about teaching our children to control their emotions and make appropriate responses toward us and others. Children learn emotional control based on our responses.
Tips On Dealing With Negative Emotions
1. Think - Work towards thinking before you make statements to your child. It’s easy for any of us to make a harsh statement quickly. It is a lot harder for us to take back the words once we have said them.
2. Evaluate – If a child isn’t doing what we need them to do we should try to figure out why they aren’t doing it. Is it because their bored? Do they want more of your attention? Do they need more outdoor activities? It is a parents responsibility to figure out why a child isn’t behaving.
3. Step back – It may seem like a simple thing but it is actually very difficult for a parent to stop and step back from a situation for a minute. Unless a child is in immediate danger take 5 minutes for yourself to regain your emotional control. Gathering your emotions and using them in a positive way will save you an apology to your child. It also can show your child the proper emotional responses to various situations.
Children are worth the effort!
Parenting is never easy. Have you ever had problems with dealing with your emotions? Have you said things out of haste and later apologized? What tips do you have that can help a parent to stop negative thinking? Tell me in the comments!
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Tags: adults, attitude, decision making, emotion, negative emotions, parents
As articulate and sensible as usual. Lets hope the next few days are positive ones where you find writing time comes more easily.
Thank you David!
I am always looking towards the positive and I know that life will always go from one extreme to the next. Its what I choose to do with it that matters!
Aaron
Three great steps to avoid letting your bad days turn his into bad ones. He is a toddler, after all, and I know you’re frustrated, but just remember, this too shall pass. Take a few deep breaths and see if you can take a dad-break. Sounds like you might need one, my friend.
Amberr,
It’s getting better overall. It was a rough couple of weeks living the life of a single parent and the auto accident and just lots of little things that add up! Hoping for a much better week!
Aaron
“This too shall pass.” Going to have to keep this in mind this week, I’m really glad I had a sec to read through this post and comments today.
I’m glad you did too! you made my day today looking through it and knowing it meant something to you. Please know you aren’t alone either…it’s been a rough month here for me too….Melissa’s surgery, a ticket for running a red light (that wasn’t run but it was quota day), my auto accident and then Melissa getting in an auto accident a few days ago by a hit and run driver (making us responsible for the deductible and things….it has been just one of those months and going into October now)
Aaron
Aaron,
You said something that resonated over 1/2 century with me; “If I tell my son I am angry I am giving him a feeling of “fear or dread.” My mother was capricious in her anger towards me. I never knew why or when she would become angry with me. It wasn’t until, much, much later that I figured out it was because she didn’t understand how to communicate with my father. Complicated, but she and I had many years to patch up and dissect our relationship and she corroborated this. She taught me something else. Anger is okay, as long as it is not misdirected. It is okay to be angry, and there will certainly be times we get angry. I got mad at one of our City Councilmen for deliberately lying to one of our constituents. He was wrong and I told him so. Anger can be used positively. It’s negative when it’s used to hurt others or wound. To instill fear or dread in a little child is wrong, and we know that. To take that 5 minute time out is needed. I have to do that sometimes with myself. We all do; we’re human. Thanks, Aaron, a splendid post. Mary. <3
Thanks you Mary,
The one problem I always find with anger is most people don’t use it in a positive manner. They only know anger as a negative emotion and can’t channel anger into a positive experience. Anger can be used for many good things when used correctly. I believe that why it the worst of the negative emotions because very few people do.
Aaron
Parenting definitely isn’t easy and always keeping a handle on our emotions is just as hard. Sometimes things compound and we say something that isn’t meant to be hurtful, and yet is. It’s definitely something I will keep an eye on and see how I’m negatively affecting my kids!
Mimi,
I know how easy it is to say something we don’t mean. I try to think before i speak because i would rather not have to apologize if I can help it. As long as we recognize the issue and make an effort to do better as a parent i think we are doing alright!
Aaron
Aaron -
I’m so sorry that you are going through such a rough patch. It is so frustrating to have so much to deal with. Sounds like you could really use a break. I hope you will be able to somehow grab at least a few minutes for yourself to recharge a bit soon.
You are so right about it being important how we convey our stress and emotions to our little ones. We don’t want them to assume guilt, blame or control for our emotions.
On the other hand, stressful times can be great for teaching empathy. Even a toddler understands when we say we feel bad or tired or sad. There is nothing quite as magical as feeling their little arms around your neck hugging you as they say “Awww, poor daddy. Gonna be ok, daddy” and pat your back.
So much love in those tiny people!
-gina
Gina,
I know you have a disqus account so I have to ask how come you didn’t log into it for the commenting on this post? I was just curious because unless you do people can’t follow you back easily…I just happen to know who you are (Is that a good thing or a bad??? )
There is a ton of love in our children when we are willing to receive it and own it. I generally try my best to own it because I know soon enough he won’t pay me that much attention and will be off doing his own thing in the big world…..sigh
Aaron
I didn’t realize that I didn’t log in. Hmmm. Odd.
Yeah, I was wanting to make sure it’s not something on my end doing it….I didn’t think it was though because other people are logged into their accounts….but you just never know with WordPress and do it yourself 101 blogging….lol
Aaron
Are my comments to you usually showing that I logged in?
I think so because they show up in my Disqus stream.
Well, now having tried to do it, I realize I don’t know how to log into it here. I don’t remember ever doing that before. Also, I managed to leave a guest “testing” comment below. Lol!
“Great job!”
Gina,
Do you use the gravatar service? The free service that links your picture with most of the various commenting systems….I am wondering if the people that pictures are showing are using gravatar because I do have that has active on my site. I am trying figure out Disqus again because they changed a few things on it. I have considered going to a different service but I have so many comments logged in already…..
Aaron
I needed to see this today. Yesterday my son was in obstinate mode, arguing everything, being difficult and uncharacteristically aggressive. On the heels of 12 hour work days, a department restructuring that has me fearing for my job and a few other slaps from life, I was exhausted. I threw out the “I’m tired of blah blah.” Which is unusual for me. I work under the premise that if he is being difficult there is a reason for it that he just can’t articulate at 4. Normally I try to find out what is wrong on those days. Yesterday I didn’t do that. But given that I have the same life staring at me for the next 8 days that I had over the past 9, this was a good reminder that I need to step back and take a moment to get myself together before trying to deal with it.
Thanks!
Lynnette,
I am glad this helped! I know it has been a rough month on myself and I find writing about it helps me alleviate some of the tension. I have actually done that for years and years though through journals. It gives me a place to vent some and not take it out on anyone else….lol
I hope it gets better for you and your job winds up being 100% fine. As my granny used to say, “It’s just a small moment in time and this too shall pass.”
Aaron
Great advice. In addition, something that helps me is to always err on the side of COACH and not COP. Give your kids an alternative to bad behavior or negative emotions instead of just trying to stop them. Coach them to an alternative. Give them a way out or another choice.
Great points Matt!
Bad behavior is generally just their way of saying I don’t know what you expect of me and I need to find a better solution (not always but a majority of the time) Giving our children alternatives to bad behavior is always a positive and can help them long into adulthood!
Aaron
Love this! My dh and I have always been worried about this too…we would go through the stores/malls/groceries whatever it was and if we ran into families with kids…we’d hear them yelling/screaming and etc…
We just couldn’t believe that the parents could yell at them that much…we felt bad for the kid and for the parents. We told ourselves if that was the case for us we would just not go out….and then thought of cabin fever…geeze…
My point…thanks for writing that…
1.it’s encouraging to see that we wouldn’t be the only ones overwhelmed with emotions/tiredness etc…
2.worried that we would say the wrong things while raising our children…afraid of the impact that it would have on the kids…I definitely agree that we should stop, step back, and evaluate…
Never feel alone in feeling overwhelmed and tired with parenting. the mistake I have seen from too many parents is thinking they are the only ones to feel that way. Its very common and you should get caught in the trap of thinking you are alone. It’s when we start feeling alone that we can make the mistakes. We are all here to support each other and their are many excellent resources in almost every city to help parents in these type of situations (the social worker coming out in me)
Aaron
testing
I like Matt’s approach as “Coach”…and definitely do not like those lines where you are placing blame for YOUR lack of happiness on your kid. That stuff gets filed away for when they have spouses and kids.
Brian,
I am not fond of the lines either. I work really hard to catch myself with the “I am tired” line….it probably is the one I “could” potentially use the most if i wasn’t careful. I recognize though the value of trying not to say it. I am human though (a fatal condition for all of us) and I have done it upon occasion. It makes me try to work harder the next time. Basically it’s what fatherhood and parenting is all about learning, adapting and caring about what we do.
Aaron
This is very great advice! And I know how you feel — we all go through those rough days from time to time. –Then the children come around us–actually doing nothing any differently from their normal behavior–but since we’re already in that “rough funk” now those actions get under our skin. It is really important not to take it out on them and to separate the emotions so that we can handle them within ourselves appropriately. I love your “Think, Evaluate, and Step Back” tips! Something that I say all of the time is: “pause, breathe and stop” Once something is said, it cannot be taken back and children are fragile, and we really have to remember that when it comes to them and our emotions. Awesome article!
Thank you so much!
Raising children is a challenge. Everything we do as a direct effect on them and the way they act now and into adulthood. I work really hard to remember that for my son’s sake. I always remember that he is growing up and someday he will leave home. He might actually want to come back and visit if I can instill the right qualities based on love and respect.
Aaron