Obviously Omitting Dad
Middle America
Obviously omitting dad is to easy to do!
If you need something at 10 o’clock at night in my hometown you only have two real choices, Wal-Mart or a convenience store. I chose the convenience store because it was close and I am not a huge fan of Wal-Mart. When I drove into the parking lot I had to wait for a parking spot. As I waited, I noticed a man pacing back and forth with two small boys next to him. I watched as people walked by him without saying a word. I didn’t know yet that all of those people were obviously omitting dad.
I was lucky enough to park right next to the stranger and his children. He was pacing in front of a parked car so I assumed it was his (thinking always gets me in trouble.) As a social worker, I know how important it is to listen, so as I walked by I said hello to his boys and heard him telling someone on the phone he needed a ride. I thought to myself he must have car trouble and that I would check on him and his boys when I came back out of the store.
Listening is important
I was only in the store a few minutes, made my purchases and left. The amazing thing about a convenience store at night is people don’t waste time, they want to go home. As I walked back towards my car, I found it odd that the small children and the man were still there but no car in sight. I unlocked my door to put my things in the car and then I spoke to the father.
As I asked the father if he was okay I could tell he was hesitant to speak to me. “Are you and the boy’s okay?”
He answered me quickly, “Yeah, thanks! Everything is good!”
He never stopped looking towards me trying to figure out my intent. As a father, it’s never easy to tell people bad things but if given the right opportunity we will, “Okay, I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay with you and your family. I know you have been outside since I got here.”
Being empathetic come natural to me and I believe he now knew this and said, “Well, things have been better for us.”
During our conversation I discovered he was a single, out-of-work dad and they had been left there earlier (a soon to be ex-friend.) They were waiting on a ride to pick them up and his luck had to get better. I am not rich and don’t have a lot to offer but I offered him a ride that he declined. I thought of my son and I asked him if his boys would like the candy bar I had just bought for myself. He first said no but changed his mind and thanked me for stopping and listening to him. He told me they had sat there for over half and hour and no one had spoken to him. All he had received from anyone was some accusatory looks.
Dad’s aren’t always in the background!
Society is just now beginning to accept that a father can become a stay-at-home parent. A man can watch their own children without problems. If we are going to continue to make fatherhood, children and families a priority people have to stop obviously omitting dad.
How to stop obviously omitting dad
1. If you see a man with small children don’t always assume the worst. It might just be a father and his children
2. Don’t look at the dad and automatically say or think “where are the children’s mothers?”
3. Listen before you speak! You might actually learn some father’s need help.
4. Parenting and fatherhood is hard enough. Don’t make it harder on us by giving us dirty looks (even from a distance).
5. Make a person feel good and say something nice.
Value Check Yourself
Middle American values are disappointing me now. I don’t expect everyone to stop and help someone else. It would be nice if at least one person had seen a man with his kids and asked if he was okay, instead he received scornful looks.
Dads are important in a child’s life! What would you do if you saw a strange man with two small children in a parking lot? Have you ever seen people obviously omitting dad from things? Tell me more in the comments about how we can think about dads in a positive manner first! Check out Andi-Roo at TheWorld4Realz who is writing about a month of controversy in the A to Z +1 August blogging challenge with me! Today is the letter “O” for Obviously Omitting Dad!
Thursday August 23rd – Dads of Divas will feature me in their series Dads in the Limelight
Tags: american values, dad, hometown, middle america
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Your empathy does you credit. It would seem reasonable that no-one would be out late with two small children by choice. The implication would be that he was in some trouble and it would seem natural to ask. Carefully of course since some people don’t take kindly to sharing their business but ask for the sake of the boys.
It hadn’t occurred to me that people’s first reaction would wonder where the mother was, perhaps that’s because I’m a man and think it’s perfectly natural to see a father with his children. I’d only worry if the children looked scared. Maybe I need to widen my perceptions to see what women would think in this situation but it’s difficult because I can see no reason these days why they would be surprised to see Dad in charge. You’re an excellent example of why women should be comfortable with the man staying at home where it makes financial sense.Xander will be a well rounded child even without his mother at home during the day because he has what a child needs most- stability.
Hey Moms, check Aaron out ! He’s doing a great job.
Thank you David! I appreciate that!
Perception is everything and society is advancing but the norm is still considered mom is the care taker and dad the provider.
I was at Sam’s Club earlier this year with my son and his three-year-old cousin Olivia. They were both just being typical kids nothing out of the ordinary. They were both a few away from me playing and carrying on. A woman came up and watched them for a minute and she looked at me said, “I wonder where there mother is?” I never miss a opportunity like this so I yelled across to Xander and asked him…. “Hey Xan do you or Olivia know where your mamma is?” Needless to say the lady turned bright red, put her head down and quietly walked away….
Aaron
Fathers who are raising children on their own need our support. The story Aaron tells here is so sad. The father abandoned with his children and no car or help is a sorry one indeed. The fact that the daddy didn’t have any one he could turn to and was met with suspicion is an old one. Fathers love their children. Mothers are not the only caretakers and circumstances don’t dictate that only moms get the kids. Dads need to know that there are people that care. That can help when they are unemployed, or their children need food or medicine. Are we that bankrupt and cold as a society that we don’t recognize a caring parent?
Unfortunately we are morally bankrupt in a lot of ways as a society. It is much easier for others to blame and point at others than to take responsibilities. It is a sad but unfortunate truth about most people. I believe though it is through our acts as individuals that we can and will change people. Even if it only one person at a time….it is still progress.
Aaron
Your blog has been nominated for an award today.
http://barsetshirediaries.wordpress.com/awards-in-ever-hopeful-awards-out/
Outstanding post, Aaron. Glad you showed empathy…and it sounds like you definitely have a listening ear. I see so many single moms, with deadbeat dads, that it is hard to realize that there are some dads that have been in the exact same spot. In many of those cases, they do not get people rallying to their aid. In fact, I know two dads who ended up with sole custody of their kids, and they definitely did that journey largely on their own.
FYI, they have great relationships with their kids!
Its one of the main reasons I advocate for fatherhood. Lot’s of fathers just need an opportunity to shine. Every father is different of course and yes there are a lot of deadbeat dads but many just want to do the right thing. It starts by changing the attitude and social norms of people. We are all in it together.
Aaron