TMI Tuesday – Sharing a Little More

Looking back on one’s life isn’t always pleasant or fun.  I think though, it’s how we process and decide what we want to do with the events that have shaped us that makes us a better person.  I share pieces of my life because honestly I can’t hide my past any easier than I can grow taller (except for boots of course.) Last week i started telling you a bit (TMI Tuesday – Sharing a Little) about what I have learned and the process of having Xander.  I asked everyone to be patient with me and I would share a bit each week.

When I found out we were go to have a son I had to measure, in many ways, what i wanted out of life and how I was going to handle it.  I am not perfect by any means and I don’t pretend to be.  Currently, I am a superhero in my son’s eyes.  Our children until they grow up have rose-colored lenses.  As far as my son’s concerned I can fly, I can move tall buildings and even see and hear when not present.  I know though he will grow up and I will lose my superhero abilities so for now I will be the superhero he wants me to be.

When I was growing up things in my life started out rose-colored but at some point things changed for me.  I can’t explain why but I don’t dwell on my past anymore.  I have tried to learn from it.  I often think my parents just did the best they knew how.  I have long ago forgiven any past transgressions and love my parents dearly and I wouldn’t hurt them for anything in the world now.

I grew up the child of alcoholic parents.  My dad was rarely home.  He was always on the road working to support my mother and I.  It is regret my fathers lives with to this day and has apologized to me more times than humanly imaginable.  It was a life lesson I have learned from my father.  He has told me more than once, to be there for my son and not have to live with regret later in life.

I was an only child.  If you are an only child you will relate to how “overly responsible” we can be.  While my father was gone I was the one left to pick up the pieces.  I would make sure that we were tucked in bed and everything was put away each night.  I didn’t dare tell anyone any of this.  I thought like a child, with grown-up responsibilities, and was certain if I told I would be taken from my parents.  I have learned time and time again from being a social worker, children are often very protective of what they believe to be true and right.

Being so young and having so much responsibility and freedom came at a price to myself.  I took my first drink somewhere around age 10 or so.  I was drinking and getting drunk after the nightly chores over the course of the next few years.  I would be considered at this point a functional alcoholic.  I would go to school and mind my business.  I made good grades.  I was always on the honor roll.

I won’t go into all the details of the things that went on at home.  I will say that there was daytime and nighttime.  They were distinctively different from each other.  I just looked forward to a time when freedom might come up without penalties.

I have shared this much of my life today and it’s here where I choose to stop for now.  Writing about one’s past is painful.  I am no different from anyone else.  I just have made a conscious decision to live each moment to the fullest.  It serves me no purpose to hold grudges.  It serves me nothing to be bitter.  I just am a man trying to make it in the world and never forget to love life to the fullest.

I haven’t chosen to share this for sympathy.  I choose to share to let people know we all have a past and we each have to decide what we have learned from it to make our children’s future brighter.

 

Tags: alcoholics, alcoholism, children, father, forgive, life, social work, TMI Tuesday